headlights and ufos

too early, and i must be seeing things. yes, i am scared of the dark, but i dream in movie format where the soundtrack kicks ass and i fly too.

headlights and ufos

writings

dos blocos- nyc 1999

O and I had taken over the front room on the first floor, it made it easier to monitor who came and went out the front door- who was trying to get in. It was late one night, and there before us was our gathered loot. (We had ways of getting food that required no money). Chicken and rice from Benny’s, macaroni and
cheese and sweet potatoes from Mama’s, maybe some random groceries from Diane’s line. We had some dumstered bagels and fruit. We reveled in our ability to turn cast off of this society into our nourishment. O had bought cigarettes. I think that night I had found some cds in someone’s garbage and had sold them for 4 dollars apiece so we had cash, and to top it all off we could’ve bought some vodka or been given some weed. It was the epitome of what Dos Blocos stood for, really you didn’t have to go more than two blocks or so to get what you needed then.
The loot sparkled and I remember looking at O knowing we’d have our stomachs contented, be a little high or warm and would then have fun playing with each other, all for free, in our free squat, we were sitting like bandits awaiting the cops but knowing we had the higher power of our barricades and friends at the ready. We were waiting for the fight but knew probably they would come not that night. We were bandits, thieves, connivers and here was our loot, here was our castle. And I said this to O, we relished and named all the good things with flourish, our plans for the big man, how we can get food for tomorrow, all the good stuff we had now, getting excited by our ingenuity. And when that reached a head,
sharing a cigarette.
I went down to go pee in the bucket in the corner, flashlights in my battery fading, I looked up at O struggling with the candles, at the walls of graffiti and posters and all the crap we brought in to put against the walls and windows and to weld together for barricades. Thinking about what this place was, what it meant to me... how I danced in the next room, made a lot of love and lots more friends in the apartments upstairs, of laughing down at stupid cops from the roof and watching their helicopters the next day. Knowing that if it wasn’t their plan to evict us, my daughter and I would have a chance, someplace to live. But we were already defeated. The apartment was in shambles now, going and coming from this building was far more sketchy because of the potential inevitable eviction than it ever was with the junkies that lived here, and I had to send my daughter away while I kept up the fight for this
building and hoped for the best.

I came back up the rickety ladder of a loft someone else built, and we both laughed, looked around us at the ridiculousness at what we were saying- went back on what we said..

‘actually, this place smells like shit. You know, really like someone shit in here...
And we are eating garbage.’
‘yeah’
‘and soon we won’t even have a place to live ‘
‘yeah, and we’ll probably be in jail by the end of the week’
I curled up with him, in the echoing dripping space that was someone’s room but was actually used to be a store front long, long ago, and listened to the city outside, I remember seeing my incredibly dirty hand with its rolled cigarette moments before the candle went out and we were left in darkness.

motivation

I have been examining motivation. motivation and where it derives from. how one might obtain it. is it a learned life skill?
when children are small their motivation is pretty much as simplistic as' i want something , therefore i will get it.' they dont bother with the things they kind of want, they either really want things and go after it, or dont put effort into it. lets call this simple motvation. it is about true feelings, true passion. i want that ice cream . i want that toy.
then there is the realization that there is steps to getting what they want, it isnt instant gratification. that is why the shoplifting lesson that most kids get when they grab a candy bar, apply here. the parents want the kid to realize that there is not much instant gratification in the world, and that it also it takes effort to get that candy bar, you need to work to get it, it takes steps to get from here to there, and if you really want it, there is a candy bar at the end. and sure, there is also the morals lessons regarding stealing thrown into that life lesson.

so comprimises become an issue, especially when instant gratification strays from the grown up reality. you dont get out of bed to work, you are not getting that candy bar. that dvd player, whatever.
so let us take this one step further and imagine the kid as labeled 'lazy'. or 'content'. perhaps he child wasnt made to do chores or been given that understanding of a give and take society, or just had things done for him or her, in general due to circumstances, or parenting be it neglectful, or waldorf,
and the only time you really see an effort is when they want or need something.
and then it is half hearted. there usually is, lying underneath the surface, the ability to easily pull out of the request, to revoke the request, and for many reasons, even this ability is frustrating.
you as the parent, seeing this lack of motivation, anxious at either your own parental shortcomings as lesson teacher, or at the childs natural personnae, jump apon the request from the child, anxious to be changing the motivational drive, to finally be doing something about tose life lessons, finally have a chance to, or see its necessity,
and blam, 'nah, too much effort' states the child. 'nevermind'

i watch dreams become reality in so many ways, and unlike fairy tales, even though we are so hoping and wishing life could be so easy. wishing to be thrown a bone. and there is also the debilitation, and depression, when it comes to motivation and how too many slaps in life, too many 'no's' can zap your motivational drive, snowballing your efforts, your drive and prizes at the end, into one big, 'no' snowman dirty and melting at your doorstep,greeting you everyday you set out.
the magic is the ability to be able to dream big, know that there are amazing possibilities, that we, you, i can create amazing things, that the world is not spelled out for us, that no it doesnt have to be tihs way, and that knowing how to go from point a to point b and jump over all those hurdles with your eyes open in defiance and not closed in fear, so you can truly catch the wonderful things out of the corners of your eyes as youre flying through the bad parts of life and taking tea at the better.

Motivation '09

The art that I do sometimes.

These are paintings i have done through the years...

Messing around early in the 4 am.

These photos remind me of an old horror film, or drama, or the outsiders, or an MGM film, of old.

Color.....

Photos of my daughter using muted color scheme, and

analogous

color scheme.

Let there be dog light!!

Early in the morn, there is amazing east streaming light, and my pups, happy, full and content, tend to burp away in the kitchen while looking at me for more food.

macro collage

I am working with the macro setting on my camera. I decided to use tattoo photos of crappy tattoos I have done, and also that I can use the photos elsewhere.

june 13 th assignment

i was exhilerated to be taking pictures of a real live water buffalo named 'ben'. he is owned by a man who has farmed all of his life, and i initially met him at his yard sale, where i bought a yoke that was ben's first yoke, handmade by the farmer. i will keep it in admiration and for when i get my own baby oxen, be it water buffalo or runt heifer of the vermont traditional cow variety. whenever i look at my handmade yoke i think of the farmer with the twinkly blue eyes, who made it for his best pal named ben who he treats like a son.
ben was initially shy and stand-off-ish but after a while he realized that i was friend, not foe, and he wound up licking me alot. i admired the part in his hair, and his ability to be patient.